I was reading a blog post by a friend about 2020. I read the first sentence and she had put 2019 instead of 2020. I sent it to her with a giggle and a bit of teasing but the year confusion resonated to my core. Some days I think wow I cannot believe 2020 is almost over and other days I think wow 2019 ended so quickly and 2020 is just starting. This year has been so long but seems so short. I feel like I have had to make so many big decisions but also feel like I have barely moved forward. Some days I am so proud of how I am handling everything this year has tossed at me and the next I am drowning in indecision and anxiety.
As this year comes to a close with so many unanswered questions, decisions to be made and not much reassurance that the New Year holds more hope, I want to hold the good moments and days close. This year in many ways has ripped me to pieces. There are so many moments of what felt like defeat that I could hold onto and frame the entire year around but I am not going to. I want to remember that my kids were resilient and not only managed but grew. I want to remember that I grew, I let go of expectations and came out happier. I want to remember that I am no longer holding onto as many bad feelings because I get to choose how people treat me and I can say no. I will remember the work I put into myself from body positivity to loving all the things about myself people told me I should not. I want to remember my kids faces when Grandma and Grandpa moved into the house right across the street. These moments and these feelings are stronger than any self doubt, any feelings that I did not accomplish enough and even stronger than the outside voices telling me I am making the wrong decisions for our family.
I have done the best I can and I am so proud of how I’m standing as this year ends and you should to. This year took so much from everyone, we have survived, at times we have thrived and while next year looks to be starting off a little rocky, I know we will all get through together.
Four Squared Motherhood 